I've Bleed for you... damn...

damn damn damn... when will i decide to move on.. (yes i cant forget you, i cant get you out of my dream, for i know ur a dangerous kind...!)

Who's between those lines? JB..


whoooww.. this is...
John Bryan Teodoro Antazo.. (a friend of Mine)
damn you! fuck off!










he was, a tambay for 3 years na. tamad mag aral. mahilig maglaro. walang ginawa kundi manood ng anime at makinig ng sounds.. tang inang yaan..
damn you.. di ka tumulad sakin genious (olol)

weeehehe
nove 13 na pala operation ko sa OMMC,
Hard and Soft Palate po. merong Mass or parang TUmor ba.
50:50 ako eh.. something na kinakatakot ko rin
successful? > magkakadefect lang ako pagsasalita.
if not> death, internal hemmorhage at mabloblock ang airway ko sa internal nares..

brief intro lang sya. ndi ko na explain further.

Anatomy and Physiology of my Broken Heart

Your subtleties, They strangle me (ouch)
I can't explain myself at all. i really cant imagine what might and what could be?
And all the wants, And all the needs, All I don't want to need at all. i only need u, i only want you
The walls start breathing, My mind's unweaving (cant u see?)
Maybe it's best you leave me alone. (i keep on telling myself this, but, but, but,......)
A weight is lifted, On this evening, I give the final blow. (yes i gave my very best)

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight!!!

A falling star, Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain. (yes i really dont understand)
You're finding things that you didn't know. I look at you with such disdain
Now I'm on my own side... It's better than being on your side ( my dear, i dont think this is true, i hate leaving u) It's my fault when you're blind (fuck off, im damn so stupid) It's better that I see it through your eyes. All these thoughts locked inside, Now you're the first to know!!

these days, mukha akong timang. timang na tanga na bobo na gago na ogag na engot na baliw na praning na PUTANG INANG TANGA TANGA TANGA TANGA TANGA!!!!
isa akong manhid para sa iba. walang hiya para sa nakararami. masayahin para sa lahat
pero ang di nila alam. sa loob ko ang pinaka malungkot at emosyonal na tao sa buong mundo. isa lang akong simpleng tao. wala akong kwenta alam ko. pero isa lang ako sa mundo. at kahit kelan ay hindi na kayo makakakita ng tulad ko.. (right?)

One best thing to describe myself is that im an asshole. A big piece of shit walking around like a moron who loves seeing disasters happen to his miserable life. I am that imbecile who love to talk to trees or to the dogs at the streets when ever I had the chance. I am a keen observer because i like to watch the flies in the garbage can dip thier asses into some shit then fly around the air. If we were neighbors, you'ld notice me by the way I walk. With me tounge out like a dog and my zipper unzipped. who could miss that? I like to stick my head out of a bus' window, running over 120. You might think that I'm weird, maybe because i came out from the ass. Thats all. thank you. Bow.

P.S. The things that make you mad are my favorite things.
HAHAHAHAHAHA

take note, im not suplado or anything. im fund of funny things, walang hiya man ako'y makisakay ka namang. madaldal ako kapag kasama ko mga kakilala ko. no prob with me dealing with any people.. ayoko lang ng judgemental.. gusto ko kasama ay mga walang hiya rin.!

My Sembreak Ends... as my heart PRETENDS!!

we Will miss you, JAS !!


Jasmin S.J San Juan (left)
BSN Third Year - Section 2, Group 2.





along the way again, when the 2nd semester for the year starts, we lost another friend. its not that she died or something, She stopped schooling this year. some problems about financial prohibits her continuation in studies. she was an openminded, when a oozy personality. good and fun to be with, optimistic and intelligent. she was once my groupmate with hershy, for a sem, nagustuhan ko agad sha, ugali, lahat.. salamat kaibigan....



School Bus Service Going to Ospital ng Maynila.











her best friend, hershy Rualo, was very very sad.. for 3 years, sila lagi magkasama at mag ka group..




here i was, at the left side










Ospital ng Maynila Medical Center



Ishee, Fonyang and jas

the sweet Life!









definitely, we will miss you a lot.. thanks for always being there Jas!


hay, redd's death, how sad about his life. well ill wish for his soul easy entry in heaven (if there is)

actually, this semester is good. for a moment, i forgot about my pains, in the heart and mind.

Commemorating The Past

i always tries to understand, although he never explained... i keep on waiting... though he never tried to give time. i hardly hope.. though he he never did his promises, i constantly says, "i love you" though he kept on being QUIET. then i asked myself. how long will i give chances? how long will i unlock my heart? and how long will i entrust the key to him? the dryness of the heart is the end of loving. i gave everything but i received nothing. my heart is now empty! how could i love him still if He never brot back anything?

Damn.. 4:30 na sa relo ko.. antok na antok nako pero e2 parin nasa isip ko! tang ina

Seeing the Glass Half Empty

this are the words told to me by choi, that i mseein' the Glass Half Empty "always", and he was kinda thinking that the Grass is Greener on the other Side, ouch! actually, ndi ko na gets sinabi nya so i asked mel about it. Mel said, Glass Half Empty is the perspective of pessimists, hayz, kahit pala ndi ko sabihin, meron paring nakaka alam na im such a Pessimistic Human. (human nga ba?)

i remember tuloy one thing na nabasa ko from a blog of someone
" I hereby pledge to accept the feelings of love and its consequences. If it’s hurt, so be it. So shall it be from this time forward. "

napa isip tuloy ako, bakit ndi ako maka move on if alam ko naman na sa simula palang, kakambal na nito ang Pain?


Before, in a Diary was This.. this was the real thing, how i establish our Love.

"I have met this guy not too long ago, who really impressed me. Not for anything but a dude that certainly could be the epitome of what a good friend should be. Talking to him and being with him (text, chat, etc.) made me realize how important a role of a good friend can be to someone in need. A true person; true to his word & a no bull shit 100%. He showed me how one outlook in life can inspire some one to desire his own life to be better; an event that is something to look forward to, with much hope and respect towards other peoples outlooks .I would be useless to further state here how key we was in reviving in me the desire to strive to have a better person, a better man..

This is why I am so proud to have had him as a friend although brief ( dude its never too late to patch things up; never , ever).Nevertheless I am proud to give this space a tribute to him; a simple, down to earth person, But a universe of a spirit, my good friend ???????

The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them,

learn about them, or even seriously consider

them as believable or achievable.

Winners can tell you where they are going,

what they plan to do along the way,

and who will be sharing the adventure with them.

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life

No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don't like to do. They don't like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose

Cherish your vision and your

dreams as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

"We are told never to cross a bridge until we come to it, but this world is owned by men who have 'crossed bridges' in their imagination far ahead of the crowd."

"If you can imagine it,

You can achieve it.

If you can dream it,

You can become it."

My Sweetest Downfall

above the sky, there are shadows of pain, again what i have learned from life is that, no certain thing can be a valueable for the rest, pertaining to the point that we must learn to let go of the things in time. That's what i know for now, but me myself cant prove it, why? cause i cant let go, madaling sabihin mahirap gawin. How easy it is to SAY na, just try to be strong yet so hard to DO.
another sequence in life that i cant accept what's happened. what happened nga ba? was it just a simple heart break? o masyado lang ako umasa sa bagay na hindi ko naman yata talga naging akin. sabi ni icy, marami namang iba jan bakit hindi ka nalang maghanap ng iba? ung magmamahal sayo ng tunay. one thing is, with the pain that i felt before, shit, there's a big tendency na manloko ako ng iba. otherwise, kung ung panibagong mamahalin ko ay more than what he did for me, lagpas pa sa pagmamahal na nadama ko before. ang sakit mga kuya, ang sakit talga. ang what's the worst that i could say? wala naman ako magawa talga sa buhay ko ngayon, pero ndi naman ako makapag bulakbol or what. ano ba? sisirain ko ba dapat ang buhay ko? tang inang yan. hindi nako umiiyak ngayon pero, ganun parin nararamdaman ko, somehow i felt before like i was rejected. something na para bang pinaglaruan lang ako ng tao.

pasensya na kayo, ganito lang talga ako ka pessimistic na tao. kaya nga takot ako umattend sa mga eyeballs ng Biggermanila, not just because of the warning i got from them, dahil na din sa mga pessimistic ideas coming from my mind. this day was just a simple day. i had my stay with my whole family, although ampon lang ako ok lang. masaya naman ako kc pinalaki nila ako ng matino

Scars of a Failing Heart

Broken hopes falling away, dont you have something to say? does it makes you sleep, cause damn, i cant. Emptiness of words that you said, scars in my heart that you left! now what you have done makes me close to dying. everything's failing with thoughts of YOU! now i'm down without knowing what's true, with those ways you look at someone else. fuckin shit, everyone's saying just try to be strong and how i wish that im just being wrong....... would you try to hear me out? would you? would you?

what about... the... the mood of distraction's prevailing tonight, have you seen what's the best and what's right? now you're gone and you're on your own.. the Ghost of your Presence is saying Goodbye, and i'll die w/o making things Right! now, your'e gone and you're on your own.

broken glass cut me to sleep... wounds are disected so deep... i don't want to wake up
and i need your blood to warm my hands and you don't have to understand you just got me all wrong. what about the things i left in the way, those thing i ran away, should i blame myself? of should i blame you?




Sean Julius Dimaguila (left)
Emmanuel Dela Paz (right)

Dota Buddies






hello guys, these two are my friends, for many years ago. we met each other in a computer ship in Cardona, Rizal. same to the thing that we reached the closeness degree. such thing that would probably, and is necessary to play DOTA all night Long? Godlike, OWNING!
serious, these two are fuckingly GOOD in games and basketball.
i never had the chanced to be with them for a long time, pero.. saludo ako dude.!


Special Feature, a cute friend of mine.. hehe

Name : Mikoy

Age : 24? i think

Location : Quezon City

Height : 5'11"

www.friendster.com/anakinmikoy

who is he? i got that chance when Mel (malakingtiyan) gave my number to him last may 4, 2007 well well, what is the link between those hazards? its the sweetness and curiosity that takes place, i had the chance to play a computer game with him BC websight, Farmer's Plaza a couple of times, kasama ko din sya sa Trinoma, when we watched Transformers, together with mel's friends. Dine togerther in some foods outlet (mostly sa McDO) and im pretty sure that he's a good person. interesting huh? but now hindi ko na sya gaanong nakakausap, i think he transfered already in alabang, new job? ADVANCED HAPPY BIRTHDAY NGA PALA!

VIDEO of d' Day...



this song is a realtime definition of my experience, share with you lang. sweet life

Enigma of Personality

Enigma (not Richard Feraro)

this book is great, with these, i understand lot of things around me,
yep! nothing else about it, just sharin the remarkable things between my ears lobes and empty NutHead.

he didnt meant to hurt me badly, i dont think he's just fooling around.
im so sorry for the time he wasted for me, im so sorry for the thing that things i've done unintentionally.

about that nanaman? heh.. how will i forget such thing i love the way it used to be, rememberin' the only hope for, the only chance of dealing with that, thinking in the Form of crunching numbers isnt that easy at all. making another path, a Wayback into Love may be the hardest thing to do. will i ever find that shit out there somewhere? huh! how i hope so.. = ( the usual routine happens again and again, its been 4 days eversince but, its seems it was just like yesterday when those tears are shed on the ground. the signs arent final that time, confronting with the real time situation takes place, the Pessimistic Approach becomes a reality, pertaining to the point that im weak, pessimist, faulty, tanga, bobo, at isang walang kwentang TAO.

Once there was a butterfly in my hand, its was so beautiful, colorful and graceful, but i let it go.. not because i dont love it, i just let it go because... it needs to enjoy life, dancing and playing on the flowers together with it's peers.. enjoying time all day long in the sunshine... know why? after the sun rises, there would be a rain fall for sometime. it needs some shelter for its own protection baby, maybe... just maybe, if that butterfly truly loves me, it would come back to my care when the rain affairs. = (

i miss u, i need u, i miss u imiss u i miss u.! un lang nasa isip ko. shet
hay.. sana may makausap ako one of these days. i have my sun.. 09226303906. call me if ur free.. =( im so so LONELY

------------- TODAY !!!

as usual, School, nagturo ako ng
Occupied Bed Making sa mga 2nd
year students ng Nursing sa NCBA, taytay

and then. even though nagtext na c choi na
ndi na daw tuloy, pumunta parin ako sa






Trinoma, Through,
LRT, From Santolan to Araneta Cubao
then..
nag Laro muna ako ng O2jam sa








d2, kami unang naglaro ni Mikoyz ng Dota
d2 ko din sya unang nakasama
maraming beses na din.
pero hindi ko sya d2 unang nakita
sa trinoma, kasama ni Mel (Malaking Tiyan)
Julius, Sho and friends.









then sumakay ako
ng MRT ! papuntang












TRINOMA!!

its really good to bring
DIGI CAM All the Time!










today was a disaster too, imagine i spent 1,500 pesos, just for internet fees, travel fees, and Foods! and 109.99 Perfume from penshoppe? oh by the way, as mentioned, that perfume i bought from there, behind was a story of a Girl i met, a saleslady of Penshoppe Trinoma
her name was.. "Sha Sha", she's cute, she's pretty,

i asked her, nasan si kevin?
sha sha: wala po off nya po ngayon
evert : what? off ni kevin cosme?
sha sha: (she smiled) hahaha.. napatawa nyo ko sir
evert : sha sha padilla. hehe
sha sha: what's ur name sir?
evert : evert, evs for short
sha sha : was that your bag?
evert : yup.
sha sha : ang cute, mahilig ka sa pink? ang piG?
evert : bakit ayaw mo ba? hehe obvious naman ate eh, i wear pink shirt, my bag is Pig Pink, even my wallet, my hankerchief and even my bos, pink. kahit keychain Pink na Pig din.
sha sha : talga, how nice fav stuffs?
evert : humm, fav color is pink, and i love chubbies, Pig as icon of them
sha sha: ang cute.
Another costumer : ang sweet nyo naman, known each other before?
evert : no, thrice palang ako napupunta d2.
sha sha : Sir, when u come back d2, i will give u something, Pig. magagamit mo xa, a remembrance from me
evert: talga,
sha sha: kelan ka babalik? basta promise me babalik ka ha
evert : uhmm frebruary? when im ready date you.. = )
sha sha: ahahah

and then we laugh and laugh, talk and talk pati ung ibang costumers kausap namin at nagtatawanan kami.

it was funny talga, as you can see, im friendly.! yeah. hehe
it relieves my heart pain for a moment.. tsk tsk tsk.

-- before the day ends, i played nga pala ng Lineage, kaka simula ko palang, killer na agad ng Player character ko, and damn, violet ang name, lahat sila pinapatay ako T_T
wawa naman, --

-- tinawagan ako ni choi sa sun, and i thought he was cryin, i dunno if he was, pero i think oo. we were having conversation while i was playing. he dropped the call, madami daw xa gagawin, but that's okay. marami pa naman time for us to share our dull moments, luv u friend.. wee world.. --

-- kuya mel, di ko nasunod ung instructions mo, kasi naman lalabas palang ako ng elven village, kikitilin na agad ako ng ibang tao. T_T --

- i dont have any video for today.. but im 90% percent sad, inaliw ko lang sarili ko pero ganun parin. walang pagbabago.. tsk tsk tsk... ang SAKIT NG PUSO KO! meron bang mefenamic acid para d2? ---

When you're gone...

Hershy, Jas, Evert, Joan, Ate Aster, Fonz and kuya Tony (L-R)


This day wasnt bad at all. I got my certificate for Serminar ng First Aid and Basic Life Support from Quezon City Rescue Team.. = )
I also attended the Orientation for the 2nd sem OJT.. hay, but what matters is, im still down.
On Bended Knee, i cant make things better.. running away from the river of death, i strive to escape my dreams, dreams which recalls the things happened again and again.


Actually, There are lots of things i can do to forget about that matter for a moment,
i played DOTA with my berkz.

or Go to malls, Trinoma or Sta Lucia, Mega Mall or Robinsons Metro East.
but what about? hel after those short moment of laughter with them, i still fet the same thing afterwards. damn thing, i still remember those things when i was alone, goin' home.

Top Row (L-R) Marc Daniel Flores, Liberato Santos, Christian Cabana, Francis Grabriel Olalia, Chris Evert Ramos
Bottom Row (L-R) Jayson Credo, Kristoffer Loizze Tacata, Noel Cabale Jr.,



to my dear, when you're Gone, the pieces of my heart is missing you.
right now i dunno what to do, i hope ur okay ur fine, wish u the best.
i really hate to let go, but how am i supposed to make those things left work right?
i did my best. i hope it serves you well.
im so lonely for the time i ran away from my safe zone.
the tears i cried makes sense, my room was a hell after. reminiscin our past, sweet moments are the best to do, but it also create another reason to cry, not to accept that now, wala kana.. wala kana.. wala kana.. wala kana... at wala kana...
='(

I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone, And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side..................................
When you walk away, I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

here's the video.. despair.. i cry



by the way, mr. Bienvenido Toliao, was inviting me to come Trinoma, 2pm onwards, bukas. October 31,2007 . Gala Trip lang yata or something.. enjoy.. wanna come? text me sa globe (09053951575).. i want to make friends, to those who are masayang kasama. or kahit hindi, mag iyakan tayo magdamag. i hope there's someone to hear me. =I

Eminences of HeartBreak

Bienvenido Toliao
(Choi)
www.friendster.com/choisushi


- thank you..



this man, a cute fella, who lifts me up this day. ahead was lonely hours in most resembled tradgedy, not only for my heart.. its also for my soul.
we talked about things goin around me for a period of time.. i never expected that he would eventually carry me up about this matter. upon receiving those encouraging words, i suddenly felt i was once a one of a kind. but rather become a man of another dream. hanged on the crown of a king who got tired of wearin it.

i said already, october 27 would be the last night na iiyak ako.
but i cant kept my promise. i cried, but not much, when choi played the song "tuyo na'ng damdamin" while we were in a conversation (a phone call).. i guess i cannot move on along while there's no another, we'll i have been taken for granted lang naman.. pero ndi ko masisi sarili ko. naging masyado akong mabait, mapag bigay.

thanks for being a good friend of mine, although ilang months palang tayo magkakilala. i never thought, there's people parin like you. i had known you before, but i still keep looking forward knowing you more.. Take care always

(by the way.. na replace ko na ang nawalang cellphone. e2 na new number ko)
0905-395-15-75 for globe
0922-630-39-06 for sun..
www.friendster.com/everto
www.friendster.com/everthouston
evert_einstein011@yahoo.com

thanks din pala kay RAWd ng www.biggermanila.org

ho'y tama na baka maiyak nako d2.. hehehe
before i go, i'll leave something again..
(take note, i cant find an MTV of this song)

D' Signs of Leaving

after all of the things that i have encountered along the paths of my cruel life, i had the chance again to experience the same thing, but is more graveyard than before. yep yep this might be the reason for having a written list of what is wrong, those things ive told him all along..

this is it, the signs and symptoms (manifested?). hindi ba nga dapat tinanggap ko na mula sa simula pa lamang na ndi lahat ng bagay sa mundo ay mananatili kung ano ito. Everything is temporary, nothing (ang alam ko) is permanent, so kung ano man ang meron ako ngayon, kelangang tanggapin na hindi ito magiging akin habambuhay.

Minsan kahit na pilitin mong uminit ang damdamin....hinDi siya susunod, at di maglalambing. Minsan di mo na mapigil mapansin Na talagang wala nang naiiwan na pagmamahal..
kahit pa anong gawin. di ko na mapilit at maraya, ang amini sa sarili ko na wala na akong maibubuga..! parang isang kandila na nagdadala ng ilaw at liwanag, nauubos din sa magdamag... T_T

i really cried last night, being drunk.. i, i felt like i was a damn singer who never earned in selling his own album, a loser of his dreams.. those tears that i had cried emphasizes the reasons of what and why should i be here in this world, confronting things in nowhere, around something that is invulnerable.. the reasons of having money and fame, yet leading to an empty heart.
but whatever it is, i must go on.. but how? how and how?

---- where did i go wrong? i lost him somewhere along in the bitterness ----
we need to talk, sit down its just a talk. smiles politely, stare politely
some sort of windows to your right,
HE GOES LEFT AND I STAYED RIGHT
between the lines of FEAR AND BLAME
i began to wonder why he came..


before i go to bed, here's something for all of you.. i hope someone was here for me. i hope so.. find my mood with this song.